What is the point of hospitality? By this I mean why have people over to your home? I think it is a basic human desire to be known and to feel known. What's a good way to get to know someone? Spend time with them. Bonding takes place so naturally over a meal or a snack or a beverage, or tea time, if you will. Having this experience at your home makes both parties feel as if they aren't rushed, and it invites them into a more intimate and private setting. It shows your guest a part of you, an expression of how you live and what your life may be like "behind the scenes".
Hospitality isn't just creating a physical space, but also a presence of mind and a reflection of the heart. If your goal is to have someone over so you can boast about something, or discuss someone else in a damaging way, that wouldn't be considered hospitality. Hospitality is about getting to know someone on a more intimate level. It's about hearing someone's story, engaging them in thoughtful dialogue and then sharing about yourself. It's a give and take in the hopes of being known AND knowing someone else. This is vital. Have you ever spent an hour or two with someone listening to them talk about themselves the entire time, never to ask you a single question? It's uncomfortable isn't it? It's annoying, it's rude and at a certain point you stop taking in information. You become an expert on the person at the table next to you, the conversation happening behind you, and the paint chipping on the wall in front of you. Now, here is the flip side. Have you ever spent an hour or two with someone and realized that you never stopped to ask that person anything? You noticed them getting a glazed-over look, or suddenly checking the time or texting with someone else, but you just kept yammering? A give and take in conversation is essential in knowing someone and being known back. It goes both ways. I don't care who you are, your life isn't more important than your friend's and vice versa. They both have value and meaning and it is important that your time with each other reflects that.
Some practical tips:
In conversation:
If you have been talking about yourself for several minutes, think 'what is something intentional I can ask this person?' and then LISTEN to what they are telling you. Take a key part of what they are saying, and ask a follow up question. Repeat.
If you are the listening type of person who tends to just listen to all of your friend's stories on repeat, don't be afraid to speak up and to share something about yourself. You can play off of something the other person is telling you by sharing a similar story or gently shift topics to something you would like to discuss.
If this is a person you trust, the more vulnerable you are in conversation, the more vulnerable they will also be. Setting the tone for a meaningful conversation can be scary, but it is usually worth it.
In hosting:
If you feel that you are uncomfortable hosting, try it anyway. Make sure your space is relatively clean, and if you don't like cooking, order take out or pick something up from a local eatery. If this is a financial burden, you can have your friend Venmo you back, or plan to have them over during a "non-meal" time and have something to munch on and coffee or tea available.
Have a game or two available just in case it takes a minute to get things going conversationally.
Know your guest. Make sure you ask them what they do and don't like. Make it a priority to have something you know that they will want to have.
